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anhedonia

by Lydia Liza

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1.
How do I not kill myself Under hoards of stress and death, And now, my mania? I fight to keep hope alight But I can't see bright enough skies To make it out alive Is this it? I have to meditate? Gotta grieve all loss on spot, Then fucking meditate? I'm sick, I'm sick of making this, I'm sick of all the fucking calls to fucking therapists So brave... Yeah, I'm so god damn brave - You try to light yourself on fire And see how you behave
2.
I've done some reflecting, I just have to say That I feel like an idiot most days I was a fool to even play, And I cannot believe with my heart I could not make you stay All of America looks the same Chemical crops and golden grain, Sunflowers bust through rusted rails And I swear by Seattle I will have forgotten your name
3.
I run so fast now you’re behind me, I shake my ass for better money, If you made a mistake by being there, move on Did it make you feel brave to walk away? Right on, Write Home Inspect the past like there’s some answer I tried it like that, now I do better If it changed once you looked in a different place If the hook snags a shirt of a soulmate If the truth was so bright that you lost your way If you rocked back forth just to ease the pain, Right on, write home
4.
God Caused 03:13
Thick throat, misquote, Sharp note, and a cymbal crash Capsized boat, drive off-road, Revving up that adrenal gland, Thought that I would say goodbye At your bedside, your ring on my Fretting hand Being my own valentine is alright, Don’t mind, I’ll survive, It just wasn’t in the plan I don’t fake O’s - God caused the high-speed crash You hold my hope - God damn it man, who’s fault is that? I should have known, it smelled like smoke Gave my life whole for you to own, Big mistake With the engine choked on river road I cried “I know he knows he owes Everything I gave,”
5.
Go Slow 02:41
I'll break your leg if you break my heart, It's a big thing you know For me to open and talk about the Bitter wind that blows once you get to know me Don't have a name for the place I was It's a stupid thing you know, To often open up a memory 'Cause the more you smell a rose, Love gets pretty boring, I'm good at over-thinking 'bout Every single little thing Go slow through the field to catch it all Go slow through the field to catch it all I snagged my shirt on a broken fence Watching trains again I knew myself in my adolescence, In a sense, it was innocence - Another breeze to fill the windmill With full sails, I feel still I'm not enough Go slow through the field to catch it all Go slow through the field to catch it all
6.
Citizen 01:18
I see you, you see me, I know we could be good But I don't want it, Do you hear me? I've got other shit to do And you're fine to Take a shine to The color of my moods, All I'm asking, (it's not irrational) Fill the role I need you to - I'm just a citizen Trying to get young honey, I lost that long ago, I'm just a citizen, I don't want your loving, I want you as a shining stone In my garden
7.
I’m a radio, I pick up signals and I Know what vibe is on your mind I’m not stupid I know Disappointment looks like A golden match strike in the night You will buzz inside me, A whisper on my wire Like crystal on the line, “Could you be all mine?” And you’re holding my throat While you’re holding this court Everyone says that you’re kind - Turned the dial last night, I gurgled like a magpie, I can’t tell my truth to you - What good does any of this do? You will buzz inside me, A whisper on my wire Like crystal on the line, “Could you be all mine?”
8.
Who will I be when I Come up again for air? A golden lightening strike? An incandescent prayer? It's not a need, but I want someone to see me They cannot be defined, The things that brought me here A tangling of vines, Became receding fear
9.
He’s mine, He said he’ll never forget me He said he wanted to marry me He said he’ll never forget me Good fight, You’re drunk enough to forget me You say you don’t even like me, You’re drunk enough to forget me Why try, Guess all this crying’s not good enough, How could I get you to fucking stop? I say goodbye to my baby Long night, I say goodbye to my baby All I hear is the windchime I say goodbye to my baby I shiver under his porch light And say goodbye to my baby I say goodbye to my baby I say goodbye to my baby I say goodbye to my baby
10.
Smoked Out 01:14
I made you cry again, Don’t have the strength to win, Cave to the floor again, (Matchstick to hairspray) Docked in Duluth, I truly saw you, I knew you’d be empty if I sought myself in you Truth is I loved it: tectonic, chaotic shit - Thought love took unending grit Nearly forgot my name Made a mistake - sure-footed, wild, Walk into your hive and I only got smoked out

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This collection of songs was made possible by a grant received from the Minnesota State Arts Board for my recording gear.

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released December 13, 2021

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Lydia Liza Minneapolis, Minnesota

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